The Happiness of Pursuit

“Move toward what you want instead of moving away from what you fear.” Let that sink in for a minute. I mean, wow. Talk about #LifeLessons, amiright? ^_^

The truth is that I’ve spent most parts of my life feeling stuck. I always felt stuck as the kid who couldn’t wait to be an adult so I could “do whatever I want”, only to turn into an adult stuck with bills and responsibilities while unsure what I want to do in life. I’ve felt stuck in my childhood home, in school, on the college campus and in various jobs, always waiting for the day I am “truly free.”

But the reality as I’m finding out is that life is not all or nothing. It’s not stuck or not stuck; it’s not free or not free. Instead it’s about working in a series of steps toward the things I want and believe in that will ultimately take me there. Sure, there may be hurdles, compromises, and even failures along the way, but life is so much more productive and meaningful that way.

Rather than avoiding or not pursuing my goals in the name of my never-ending list of fears, I should instead find ways to move toward the things I truly want to achieve. Even if I fail, even if I’m afraid. We may be granted the pursuit of happiness, but in order to achieve that we must first find the happiness in pursuit.

Love wins
April 17, 2016

A Beautiful Mess

Life is messy sometimes, my handwriting definitely is. Nothing’s perfect, and we all have flaws now don’t we. We all have days that are up-and-down.

I’ve been thinking about this for a long time now, and with most things probably for too long. But I want an organic way of journaling and expressing my thoughts. My messy, imperfect, and sometimes distorted thoughts, in a way that can’t be hidden by yet another san-serif font. That’s not me.

I also miss physically writing something down. Not just note-taking, but the whole process of writing complete thoughts onto the page from beginning to end. With this you see it, the mess of it all, including my ever-declining handwriting skills. When was the last time I ever wrote something this long on paper? Probably back in ninth grade.

Pencil is also great because it leaves a mark, yet it’s easily erasable. It also just FEELS organic, you can see my flaws in my eraser marks, my insecurities through the shakiness of the alphabets, as well as my EXCITEMENT! through my handwriting in ways I simply can’t emulate by italicizing words.

This is undeniable me, mistakes and everything.

Love wins
March 9, 2016

Chapter 3: Coming Out

This is part three of my project, the Ingredients of Fear, where I peel back the onion and reveal everything that’s been beating me down and holding me back inside. Click here to learn more about The Ingredients of Fear.

It was January 29th, and the year was 1999. I was sixteen at the time, and there was a giant “Publish” button staring at me. My heart was jumping out of my chest, so I took a deep breath, closed my eyes, clicked the button, and exhale. Within a minute my website went live, along with my first online journal entry.

“…I was very mad throughout the day until I went to a supermarket, and saw 2 really (really) good looking men, European accent, WOW! My mood changed sooo fast!!” it read.

Poorly written and embarrasingly hormonal, but just like that, I finally came out to myself — I’m gay.

Years later I found myself feeling the same way, this time with the Ingredients of Fear. The idea of opening up to talking about my darkest fears is a powerful one, but the actual process of doing so is also incredibly scary and probably really dumb. So there I was, with the giant “Publish” button back and staring right in front of me, daring me to click on it…

Continue reading “Chapter 3: Coming Out”

Chapter 1: The Reset Button

This is part one of my project Ingredients of Fear, where I would peel back the onion and reveal everything that’s been beating me down and holding me back inside. Click here to learn more about The Ingredients of Fear.

Ever since my family emigrated to the US when I was ten, I’ve been trained to be constantly on the move. From going to middle school on the opposite side of the city, to college in Rochester, to working in Hong Kong, San Francisco, and Los Angeles, I’d find myself in a different part of the world every few years. I always looked so restless from the outside looking in, like those people who would rush to the front of the plane the second it hit the tarmac. Yeah, I hate them too.

The good thing about moving so often is that you get to hit the big red reset button every single time to restart your life. Like a witness protection program I’m sent to a different city again and again, every time with the opportunity to be anyone I want to be.

But growing up as a nomad also created this mindset that I could just pack up and evict myself every time an opportunity knocked at my door, even when that opportunity was really an excuse for me to take the easier way out.

I’ve changed jobs, wiped my computers, changed my email addresses, and even moved to the other side of the world just so I could look away from the face of fear. Instead of dealing with my problems head on, I’d just run away and try to restart my life over with a clean slate.

Continue reading “Chapter 1: The Reset Button”

Ahhhhhh fuck it

I’m launching something both exciting and terrifying on my website on 1.1.2015. Watch this space (or sign up for my TinyLetter newsletter below)!

Love wins

Ahhhhhh fuck it